Complacency

 ...is defined as” a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like” according to dictionary.com.  The past couple of weeks has demonstrated to me just exactly what that means.

After the recent events that I posted about on here in the October 12 post, I never realized just how complacent I had become.  Then on October 25, the fact was slammed into me.  My husband said that he was leaving me.  He was nice enough to give me time to make arrangements for childcare, but in the end he will be leaving.  I hate that fact and I wish I could change it.

I am not going to go into the details here as they are still very raw, suffice it to say that this has lead me to do some serious soul-searching.  According to Iris Krasnow, author of the upcoming book The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married, the oft quoted statistic of “50 % of marriages end in divorce” is no longer true.  The divorce rate is now down to 43%, a 7% drop since the 1990’s.  WomansDay.com had an article on September 29, 2011 that detailed some unique approaches to making a marriage work.

Now, this all got me to thinking what I could have done better in my own marriage to keep it intact.  A lot of the things I did have stemmed from my past and I failed to let myself live fully in the present.  Things that happened to me were held like armor against a truly happy relationship.  I could not let myself really trust the man I love as a result of what others had done to me.  This was a huge mistake!!!  Everyone deserves to be judged on their own merits and not held accountable for the actions of others.  If you love someone enough to join together with them for what should be forever, they have the right to be trusted.

People need space, they need to have things that they do for their own sanity and sometimes that involve persons of the opposite sex.  If you have a real trusting relationship this should not be a problem.  I was always afraid for him to do this as I have been cheated on before.

I have a very cynical viewpoint on life.  My philosophy has always been, “Expect the worst, that way you are never disappointed.”  It has held me in good stead for over 30 years, but this time it may have been a factor in my being disappointed.  If you never look for the good things in life, they will just pass you by.  You have to allow some things in for you to have happiness.

The cynicism did not allow me to be an affectionate wife.  Many times I had tried to be playful only to be told that I looked stupid.  After hearing that so many times, you tend to shut it off.  It lead to me doing a big disservice to my husband.  I could never be the kind of lover that he wants.  This really haunts me as I would like to be able to do some of the things that men like to do.

So, after having time to analyze the events, I can only come to the conclusion that I have figured these things out too late.  Of course, I hope for a change of circumstance.  Having him decide that maybe this is worth fighting for would be a wonderful happening, but I am not holding my breath.

For those out there who are in a serious, long-term relationship:

Please stop and think about how your past affects the present.  Maybe you are insecure with friends of the opposite sex, maybe you are scared to give each other the time away to recharge.  Don’t be, you may actually be saving your self the heartache and anguish of being left behind.