Memories

The Lycan and I were watching Abduction last night with Taylor Lautner and it brought up something that I had never thought of before.

The premise of the movie is that the character played by Lautner is the son of a block-ops agent for the United States government and after his mother is killed, he is placed with two other CIA agents for his own protection.  He has been unaware of this until a school project finds him researching missing persons websites where he stumbles upon a picture of himself as a child.  Turns out he does not have any pictures of himself as a little one with the exception of two (I believe).

At this point in the movie, the Lycan turns to me and asks if I have any pictures of me as a child.  After thinking about it, I am not real sure.  I know my Daddy used to have a few, but I haven’t seen them in ages.  There weren’t that many that I can remember in the first place.  I have SO many of my two youngest, but I have to admit the older ones don’t have that many left.  In the intervening years the ones I had have been lost in moves or misplaced, or something.  Maybe that is the case for me as well.

All this got me to pondering my memories.

I have to say that I don’t have that many until I was in the third grade and then it is still kinda spotty.  I have a few flashes of things: the night my mother left, an apartment that I am not sure was ours, some times at one school that I think was in Mesquite, stuff like that.  That is about it.  I don’t remember birthdays, Christmases, or family get-togethers.  I do remember that I was not allowed to go to my cousin’s funeral.

I remember the day my Daddy was taken from our house by an escaped inmate and that he hit some horses on the way home totally the red Ford Gran Torino he drove.  The Aprils Fools Day I got him good by turning the color all the way down on the TV and making him think that the picture went out and we needed a new one.  I remember that the son of one of my step-mothers was nicknamed Booger.  Other than that, nothing.

This makes me feel a little sad.  Was my life so bad that I don’t want to remember?  I know that my childhood was not ideal.  I have two official step-mothers, but I do know that there were other women.  My sister was raised by my grandparents while I stayed with my Daddy. The only memory I have of her when we were younger was the night my mother left: the two of us following her around crying and begging her not to go.  Then the next one was when I was about 12 and I had to take care of her while my Daddy worked.

Is this normal? Do other people not remember things until they are close to their teen years?

PBP: Totem animals

 “The power of Dragonfly lies in its ability to see around things by looking from different angles.” (Dragonfly Totems, n.d.)

 My totem came to me at a time when I was least expecting it.  I lived in a small town in Wisconsin and found that whenever I stepped outside, dragonflies would surround me.  Now, this may not be unusual except for the fact that I lived nowhere near any water source.  There was no standing water close by either. 

I was, however, at a point in my life where I simply existed.  I was in a long-distance relationship that was going nowhere fast.  I went to work, came home, went to bed, and did it all over again the next day.  All my children were out of the house and I could go a couple of weeks seeing only my patients and co-workers at the hospital. 

Therefore, when I noticed all these dragonflies around, I got online and read up on them.  I found that they represent change and transformation.  I was in dire need of change at that point in my life.  LOL What I was unaware of at the time is that this change might take a while.  See “dragonflies inhabit to separate realms: air and water” (Dragonfly, n.d.) therefore the number 2 figures into their influence.  Any change they may signal could be two years in the making and sure enough it was about a year and a half that my life was devoid of much social interaction. 

When my daughter came to visit me one time, her boyfriend did not want to make the two-hour drive home by himself, so he brought a friend along to keep him company.  Little did I know that friend would end up being my life-mate.  Yes, he is younger than I am by 19 years, but dragonfly teaches us that life is not always as it seems.  The magic of dragonfly allows us to “to see through life's illusions and find our true vision” (Dragonfly Totems, n.d.).  Our time together has been great for the most part, yes there have been very rough times but we have both seen things that we can change (there it is again) to make it better. 

 

I guess that dragonfly is not through with me yet!

I got tagged!!

I just got my first tag from aw over at My Life As I Know It.  I have never been tagged before.  This is cool!

Okay, so here is how it works:

Rules:
1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you have tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ blah blah blah, you legitimately have to tag 11 people!

11 random things about me:

1)      My husband is 19 years younger than I am and I met him through my daughter.  We have been together for over 6 years now and married for over three.  We went through a rough patch late last year, but are back on track now.

2)      I have five children living and their ages are 27 years, 25 years, 21 years (the only girl), 4 years, and 2 years.  The older three were born in December (guess when MY birthday is) and the younger two are 4 days apart in April and May.

3)      I was born in Ankara, Turkey while my Daddy was a cryptographer in the Marine Corps.  I spent the first two months of my life there.  I have been told that I hold citizenship in Turkey, but I cannot verify that for sure.

4)      I am not as close to my mother as I wish.  She does not even have me listed as her daughter on her Facebook page although we are friends on there.

5)      I have three natural granddaughters and two grandchildren who were gifted to me through my oldest son’s relationship.  My oldest natural granddaughter we never get to see and it is a shame because she is a beautiful little girl.  

6)      I spent most of my teen years taking care of my younger sister and get my hardship license to drive when I was 13 years old.  

7)      I can change a tire, an alternator, or and engine in the older vehicles (the newer ones with computers in them stump me) because my Daddy want me to never have to depend on a man to do things for me.  

8)      I am too independent and feel that I have to take care of myself.  This is one of the things that caused the rough patch with my husband.  

9)      I have found that I am slightly OCD about some things as I get older.  I have to clean up the nurse’s station at work before I can start my night.  If I don’ get the chance to, I feel out of sorts all night long.

10)  I love water.  The stream close to our house always makes me feel calm when I listen to it.  I would have a fountain in every room of my house if I were able.  The sound of the running water tends to make the Lycan have to pee though, so that is not achievable.  

11)  I am double my ideal weight and although I am relatively healthy, it is catching up to me.  I am on a quest to find an exercise program that I can start that will not hurt my legs and feet, but allow me to lose enough weight that I can then get moving better.  If anyone has any ideas, I’m open!!

11 questions I get to answer:

What is your favorite color? Why?  My favorite color is green, all shades from emerald to hunter and all in-between.  I do not know why it is my favorite, but when I see the color it just resets my mood.

What is your favorite band/music?  This is a harder one for me to answer, as I do not really have one certain band or genre.  I listen to whatever strikes me depending on my mood.  I like Godsmack, ICP, Dark Lotus, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Bach, Beethoven, a lot of movie soundtracks, and, of course, pagan music of all kinds.

 
What is your favorite movie? Why?  My favorite movie is Ghost because I just love the thought of a love that transcends death.

What is your favorite website? Why? Right now, my favorite website is my Blogger dashboard because I am addicted to reading the blogs of those I follow.  I do not have many friends in the real world and this is my way of knowing people.

What is your favorite time of year? Why? Winter is my favorite time of year because I was raised in the south and I absolutely LOVE the snow and cold.  I have a motto that you can always do something (wink, wink) to get warm, but you can only got so naked before they arrest you.  ;)

What do you do for work?  I am a nurse in the intensive care unit at a small hospital in northern New Hampshire.  I have been a nurse for almost 17 years now and I still love my job.  Recently I saw a post asking about saving people’s loves…yes I do almost every day.  It is so rewarding to know that I have made a difference in a life, no matter how small.  And when I am there for those who are losing their loved ones, I am humbled.

Do you have a favorite set of sheets or blanket you love? Why do you love it?  I have a Tinkerbell throw that the Lycan gave me and I love it.  It is so soft! 

Do you have pets? What are they and their names? I have one ferret whose name is Typhoon.  We got him as a baby and he stormed through the house running into everything and doing the weasel wardance as if he were crazed.  He is the last of nine ferrets I have had over the years and I miss every one of them terribly.

 
If you could have any superpower what would it be?  I think I would like to be able to read minds.  I know that I would probably hear things that I do not want to hear, but then I would know the truth about how people really feel.

What is your favorite food/dish?  I love, love, love shrimp and fish!

What is your favorite drink (alcohol or otherwise)?  Usually sweet tea, I did say that I was raised in the south, right?

My 11 to tag are:

Elle's Bits & Bobs 

A Coven of One

Keltic's Korner

Moon Willow Witch

Witch Mom

Something Oddly

Cordelia's Cauldron

Alicia's Attic

Adventures in Witchery 

In the Arms of Mother Earth

A Pagan Mother's Life

And my question to them are:

1. What is your favorite family activity?
2. What is your least favorite holiday?
3. Where was your favorite family vacation that everyone enjoyed?
4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
5. If you were able to do one extreme thing, what would it be?
6. If you won the lottery and had multi-millions, would you continue to work?
7. If money were no object, where would you take your significant other?
8. If you could go back re-do one action in your life, would you?
9. What ancient man-made structure would you like to visit?
10. Who is your favorite author?
11. Which do you prefer:  werewolves or vampires (not a Jacob vs. Edward question)?

 Thank you to my tagged 11 in advance for participating!

Reading challenges books

I have joined three reading challenges this year and because of that, I have been looking through my books.  I am also in pagan book club with some friends through FaceBook.  (Where do I think I am getting all this free time?)  Anyway, I have found a couple of online sources that I can use to catalog my books and I have been spending time getting this done. I am always working on a way to post my lists for the challenges here without it screwing up my template.

However, I am starting out reading “Deepening Witchcraft” by GreyCat.  I was able to get this on Amazon for about $1.50 used.  I will post my review of it once I am done with it.  

RN Nursing Informatics Degree – Walden University

RN Nursing Informatics Degree – Walden University

This is a link to my degree program that I am in the middle of. Once completed I will have a Master's degree in Nursing Informatics.

Something I hope to change about myself

I thought that because today is New Year’s Day and it is the traditional day for resolutions I would start my random posts I mentioned in the last blog entry.  Of course, I could mention all the usual resolutions:

To lose weight

To be a better person

To exercise more

To eat healthier

And I do plan to attempt those, but I feel if I promise myself these things and I do not accomplish them then I have failed.  No one likes to fail, so I will not be pledging to do those.  However, what I will talk about here is something I hope to change about myself.  There is a bit of a backstory, please be patient with me.

I have always been one to do everything for myself.  Not complaining, but I grew up WAY too soon.  I am a Daddy’s girl to this day, however my childhood was not ideal.  I can remember the night my mother left us.  I remember two little girls following behind their mommy and begging her not to leave.  

I now know that she did what she had to do in our best interest.  She had no marketable skills, no place to live, and she did not know where she would end up.  Not a good situation to take little ones into.  That does not change the way that little girl felt as she watch her mom walk out the door.  

I had a series of stepmothers every now and then that never quite made me feel welcome.  Therefore, I made myself responsible for me from a very early age.  I preferred not to depend on anyone unless I absolutely had to and once I had my first job at 14 I have never asked for things to be given to me.  

This has led me to make some decisions for my children that may not have been the best, but they were done with the best of intentions.  I never did something thinking that it would not be good for my kids.

Nevertheless, I can say in hindsight that I would have been better off (except then I would not have my daughter) if I had learned sooner to be alone.  I have a quote that I use as an email signature on occasion:  “You must learn to love yourself before you can love another”.  I do not know where I came up with this from, but it seems apt.  It was not until I learned that it is okay to be alone that I found out how to love myself. 

But, this non-dependence attitude on my part has caused some problems for me of late.  I really do not like to have someone take care of me, especially when I am sick or injured.  I prefer to do things myself because I have a certain way things need to be done and I get irritated if they are done differently.  I feel I am a big girl and no one has to do anything for me because I can do them myself.  I have always been afraid to totally let myself think that someone can really love me.

Well, it is my belief that this has made the Lycan feel as if I do not need him at times and has, in part, been a reason for our recent troubles.  I think he was feeling under-appreciated and a little unloved. 

So, I am going to be working on:

•   My marriage
•   Being less self-reliant and rigid
•   Letting myself be taken care of and to feel the love he has for me 
•  Showing him affection
• Be more trusting

There are other things I will be tending to as well, but I think this is a good place to start.  I am not saying it will be easy, it will not.  Then again, anything worth having is worth the effort!