Something I hope to change about myself

I thought that because today is New Year’s Day and it is the traditional day for resolutions I would start my random posts I mentioned in the last blog entry.  Of course, I could mention all the usual resolutions:

To lose weight

To be a better person

To exercise more

To eat healthier

And I do plan to attempt those, but I feel if I promise myself these things and I do not accomplish them then I have failed.  No one likes to fail, so I will not be pledging to do those.  However, what I will talk about here is something I hope to change about myself.  There is a bit of a backstory, please be patient with me.

I have always been one to do everything for myself.  Not complaining, but I grew up WAY too soon.  I am a Daddy’s girl to this day, however my childhood was not ideal.  I can remember the night my mother left us.  I remember two little girls following behind their mommy and begging her not to leave.  

I now know that she did what she had to do in our best interest.  She had no marketable skills, no place to live, and she did not know where she would end up.  Not a good situation to take little ones into.  That does not change the way that little girl felt as she watch her mom walk out the door.  

I had a series of stepmothers every now and then that never quite made me feel welcome.  Therefore, I made myself responsible for me from a very early age.  I preferred not to depend on anyone unless I absolutely had to and once I had my first job at 14 I have never asked for things to be given to me.  

This has led me to make some decisions for my children that may not have been the best, but they were done with the best of intentions.  I never did something thinking that it would not be good for my kids.

Nevertheless, I can say in hindsight that I would have been better off (except then I would not have my daughter) if I had learned sooner to be alone.  I have a quote that I use as an email signature on occasion:  “You must learn to love yourself before you can love another”.  I do not know where I came up with this from, but it seems apt.  It was not until I learned that it is okay to be alone that I found out how to love myself. 

But, this non-dependence attitude on my part has caused some problems for me of late.  I really do not like to have someone take care of me, especially when I am sick or injured.  I prefer to do things myself because I have a certain way things need to be done and I get irritated if they are done differently.  I feel I am a big girl and no one has to do anything for me because I can do them myself.  I have always been afraid to totally let myself think that someone can really love me.

Well, it is my belief that this has made the Lycan feel as if I do not need him at times and has, in part, been a reason for our recent troubles.  I think he was feeling under-appreciated and a little unloved. 

So, I am going to be working on:

•   My marriage
•   Being less self-reliant and rigid
•   Letting myself be taken care of and to feel the love he has for me 
•  Showing him affection
• Be more trusting

There are other things I will be tending to as well, but I think this is a good place to start.  I am not saying it will be easy, it will not.  Then again, anything worth having is worth the effort!